It was too late to swerve by the time I saw the grassy median speeding toward my car. I'm not sure what I yelled as I yanked the steering wheel to the right and bounced my tire over the curb, but it probably was something like, "Stupid!!!!! You're so stupid!!!!!" I was shouting at myself.
When I drove out of the parking lot after work, I had picked up my cell phone to call my sister. Everyone knows it is not very safe to distract oneself by dialing the phone while driving, so I sensibly waited until I was parked at a stop sign to glance down at my phone and push the buttons to dial her number. I held the phone to my ear and waited for it to ring. Nothing happened. As I began to pull out from the stop sign, I glanced at my phone and realized the call had not been sent. Growling a mild curse, I pushed the button again. It was then that I saw the approaching median. In my distraction I had taken the turn too wide, and by the time I realized it, it was too late to do anything but grit my teeth and hope that I didn't blow a tire. I careened over the curb with a bump and shakily straightened out, back in the correct lane.
"IDIOT! YOU'RE SO STUIPD!!!!" I flung my cell phone onto the passenger seat in disgust as I filled the air in my car with self-depracating, angry words. "YOU COULD HAVE HURT SOMEOME! YOU COULD HAVE BLOWN A TIRE! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!!!!!!" I was livid. What a ridiculous thing to do. Was it really worth risking my safety to make a phone call at that moment? Was it worth the risk of hitting another car? Of damaging my car and costing my family money to repair it? Of facing my husband with the stupid mistake I had made? I was so angry with myself. How could I have made such a mistake? Everyone knows it's not safe to play with your phone while driving. I was such an idiot.
Thirty seconds after my encounter with the median, my sister called me. The last thing I wanted to do at that moment was pick up the phone, but I answered anyway. I did need to talk to her. I was supposed to be picking her up for a doctor's appointment, and she needed confirmation that I was going to be there on time. I kept the call as brief as possible, and it was hard to keep the anger out of my voice as I quickly communicated the information and hung up. Stupid, stupid. I knew I had made a mistake, but I didn't know what to do next. There was no one to whom I could apologize. I had hurt no one, damaged no one's property, and I basically had just ended up scaring myself badly. It could have been so much worse, but I still didn't know how to forgive myself for my error.
I began to pray and tell God how angry I was with myself. I told him about how stupid I felt and how grateful I was that nothing bad had resulted. As I confessed my mistake, I began to feel a lessening of the anger and tension. I didn't have a person to whom I could apologize, but I could apologize to God and to myself.
When I finally picked my sister up, I told her about the mishap. She laughingly related a story about something similar that had happened while she was in the car with some other family members. She remembered how funny it was and how they had all ended up laughing. It still didn't feel like something to laugh about to me, but at least I was not the only one who had driven over a median in a moment of stupidity. I began to feel a little bit better.
By the time I told the story to my husband this evening, all of the anger was gone. I still feel a little bit sheepish about my error, but I had been able to confess it and forgive myself for being human. I think confessing it to God was what gave me the courage to tell anyone else about it, though. I am so grateful that I can tell him anything, and I'm thankful for his forgiveness.
This verse popped into my head as I was reflecting on today's mishap:
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." -1 John 1:9
When I have made mistakes great or small, I am grateful that God forgives me and helps me to forgive myself.
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