September is here, and with it comes blessedly cooler weather. I have never been a person who loves humidity and summer sun, so every year I celebrate the arrival of fall and joyfully unpack my hooded sweatshirts from the cardboard boxes in our basement. Today was the first chilly morning of the month, and I left my driveway dressed for twenty degrees warmer than the fifty degrees my Weather.com app proclaimed for Ottawa, IL 61350. I was going for a run, and a runner friend of mine had advised that I not bundle up too much since my body heat would kick in while I was running. Goosebumps popped out on my arms as I briskly began to walk. I pulled in the crisp air in deep, even breaths that matched my stride. "In-two-three-four" through my nose matched "out-two-three-four" through my mouth. After a five minute warm-up walk that actually did manage to infuse a little heat into my t-shirted body, my headphones carried, "Start running," to my ears, and I chased my shadow down Moore Street.
The first stretch of running felt great. My arms and legs pumped, and the sun was warm on my back, though the air in my lungs was decidedly chilly. It was easy to keep my head high, and I was actually a little disappointed when, "Walk now," checked my exuberant progress.
I am still new at learning to run, and the transition between running and walking hits me hard. As soon as my steps slow, I find myself gasping for breath like a fish flopping on the beach. What was measured breathing only moments before becomes a ragged gasp as I struggle to maintain a semblance of the "In-two-three-four, out-two-three-four" that had been so easy and natural when I was running. I managed to breath in for four steps, but breathing out as slowly was more difficult. I found myself struggling to keep from "In-two-three-four, Out-two, In-two-three-four, Out-two." I think I managed "Out-two-three" eventually, but that was definitely a challenge. My body wanted to pull in as much air as possible, loathe to let it go, longing to pull in more as quickly as I would let it.
Whenever I run I consecrate the time spent running. I do not listen to music, and I use the quiet as an opportunity to pray and listen to God. I used to get so frustrated trying to listen to God because it seemed silly to "listen" for something that is not audible. Now I have found that God speaks not into my ears but into my mind. As I think about what is happening in my life and the world around me, ideas pop up, and I perceive God's voice in them. Maybe a Bible verse will come to mind, or a lyric from a song. Sometimes I will remember a point of theology taught in church. As I get to know the character of God through reading the Bible and listening to the discourse of other Christians, it becomes easier to see the world as He sees it. I much prefer His perspective to my own. He speaks love, hope, perseverance, faith, trust, and beauty into life's circumstances. He desires everything that is good. He seeks to mend what is broken, find what is lost, heal what is diseased, and restore what has been worn away. When I look at life through those eyes, the world is made new. Where I would have seen an impossible situation, God says that there is hope. When I want to avert my eyes from ugliness, God tells me to find the beauty that is also there. This is what I listen for as I run.
I was struggling to breathe regularly this morning when I realized that it is easier to breathe in slowly than it is to breathe out at the same pace. It seemed significant. I have noticed that it is also easier for me to inhale the presence of God than it is for me to exhale Him into the lives of others. In fact it seems to closely follow the pattern of my physical breathing while learning to run. I am now eager to bring Him into myself, but I am not so ready to let it out. Is it because I feel desperate for more of Him, so desperate that I feel I must pull in more than I expel? Am I afraid to breathe Him into those surrounding me? Believing in God is a personal decision, and I do not want to be one of those people who tries to make everyone else believe the same thing I do because I am right and they are wrong. I respect that each person has his or her own life journey. I don't want to offend anyone by expressing my belief in God. It is easier to focus on my own journey than it is to share it with other people, especially if no one has taken the initiative to ask me about it. Do I hold back on purpose? No. But neither do I seek for opportunities to reach out with the truth I have found.
As I learn to discipline my physical breathing, may I also learn to exhale the presence of God into the lives of the people around me.
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