Day 6: Newborn

It is a well-known fact that becoming a believer in God is not a cure-all for life's problems. Yes, deciding to believe in God is a transforming experience. Personal transformation, however, is not a magical portal to a perfect life. I have been attending church since a couple of weeks after I emerged from my mother's womb, so I have heard these truths more times than I can possibly number. It doesn't make it any less painful to be confronted with their reality.

I have had an amazing five days since I made the decision to believe in God and His plan for my life. Those days were filled with peace and rest. I was able to experience happiness and joy that has eluded me for many months, and I basked in my newfound oneness with God and the life He had given me. It was a beautiful, healing experience. However, when we are born again, we are not born into a protective bubble that shields us from the pain of human experience. Like a new baby, we emerge from our place of quiet security.

We are pushed into a world that is loud, confusing, messy, and uncomfortable. We are cut off from the immediate, direct nourishment of God's life-sustaining presence. We must open our eyes to see him. We must cry out. We must pass from His shielding enclosure into unfamiliar surrounds, reaching out our arms for him. But like a mother, he gathers us back to himself. He washes us clean. He quiets our cries. He nourishes us and protects us, holding us close in swaddling clothes. We are newborn, passing out of a place of security and safety and into the living embrace of God. The world is scary, but he is there.

Today I was confronted by the fact that believing in God has not kept me from experiencing pain. My family of origin is still broken, and that still hurts. I still do not see the hand of God in my parents' divorce, and I still do not understand how what happened to us could be God's will. I believe that it is, and that makes accepting things a little bit easier, but it would be nice if it made sense. I don't know if I will ever fully comprehend the reasons in this lifetime. I am trying to accept that and remember how many of God's followers in the Bible did not live to see their prayers answered, but God went on to answer those prayers in his own time. I pray with all of my heart for my family to be healed. I believe that God will indeed heal us, but maybe not in the way or the time I expect. I choose to believe. This brings me peace.

I feel the pain of living in this world, but my eyes are open. My hands are reaching out. I will cry out to God, and he will hold me close. I am newborn.