God, there are still many things I don't understand about what you were doing when you created humanity. Could you see our future from the beginning? Did you know that bringing us into existence would create great pain for everyone? Did you know that being a human would hurt so much, that your first humans would choose to believe a lie and condemn the whole of our race to suffer so greatly that the only way to redeem us was for Jesus to come and sacrifice himself?
It seems so twisted, yet it sounds a lot like parenthood. When Brandon and I decided to have a child, we conceived her in love and hope: love for humankind, love for the enormous potential of a human life, love for the best parts of each other, love for the earth; we hoped to bring a light into the world, a beautiful new baby, innocent and filled with wonder. She was born with free will. She has her own mind. She can make her own decisions, for good or ill, and that is wonderful! Oh, the mystery of her! What will she do? Who will she be? Where will she go? What will she say? Will she love me? Will she love others? Will she take care of the earth?
I don't hold the controls to her mind. She does. I don't own her heart. She does. I don't get to decide her future. She does.
It is wonderful and terrifying.
What if she intentionally hurts people? What if she chooses laziness and selfishness? What if she chooses bitterness instead of love? What if she gets into drugs? What if she hates and resents my influence on her life? What if she ignores or rejects me? What if she grows up and leaves, and I never see her again? Would it be better if I had never borne a child? Would it be better if I could somehow have invented a robot instead, one that I could program to never do anything wrong, to never hurt me or anyone else? No.
The joy comes from knowing that she can choose, and she still chooses me. Every time she chooses forgiveness instead of bitterness, my heart swells with love and pride. When she spontaneously hugs me or crawls up into my lap just because she wants to, I feel so loved. When I watch her practice kindness and generosity without being ordered to do it, I am so proud and happy. I delight in her sweet nature and loving heart.
She is still human, though. She makes bad choices sometimes. She hurts me. Sometimes I am ashamed of her behavior. Sometimes she makes me angry. Some of her choices are stupid and destructive, even when she knows better. She is stubborn. She is fearful. She makes messes, then leaves them for me to clean up.
Seeing this potential for destruction and darkness within her makes it even sweeter to watch her choose goodness and light. When I see her wanting to be selfish but choosing to be generous instead, it brings me great joy.
Is that how you feel about us, God? Did you conceive us in hope and love? Do you delight in our ability to choose? Do you find a deeper satisfaction in us, with all of our flaws, than you could in a world of perfect, programmed robots? Does this ability to choose make us wonderful, even though we cause great pain? Is pain just the price of being freely chosen? Does the greatest love come when you give up control of the beloved? If you knew about pain, did you make us anyway because you also knew about love?
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