Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Pizza and Breadsticks

I tried to get McDonald's breakfast this morning, and my debit card was declined. Twice. I thought it was weird, so I checked my bank app, and sure enough, I still had plenty of money in my account, yet my card had been declined. 

Brandon said maybe the bank had frozen my card since I had used it to make a Target purchase around the time when their accounts were hacked.  That was our best theory. I tried calling the bank after lunch, but they were already closed for New Years. 

Hoping the card issue was a fluke, I took Zadie to Little Caeser's to pick up a pizza and breadsticks for dinner. I told the guy at the counter, "Try running my card before you get my order ready. It didn't go through at McDonald's this morning, and I'm not sure it it will work." He tried it, and sure enough, it was declined again. 

"Did you use your credit card at Target recently?" the guy asked me.

"Yes," I replied. 

"They probably froze your card. The same thing just happened to my brother. Here ya go. Your pizza is on me."  He pulled a cheese pizza out of the case and set it on the counter before me. 

"What else was she ordering?" asked the lady in line behind me.  "Breadsticks?  I'll take care of it. Happy New Year!"

I was astonished. "You guys don't have to do that!" I exclaimed. 

"I'm feeling generous," said the pizza guy. 

"My step-brother used my name to rack up a $400 utility bill one time," said the lady.  "I know how it feels to have your identity stolen.  This is my Christmas.  I have three kids." She gave Zadie a quarter to play the pinball machine. 

I was overwhelmed.  "Well, thank you guys!  God bless!" 

As Zadie and I walked to the car with our free pizza and breadsticks, I told her, "We have to never ever forget this. We have to always remember the kind people who gave us pizza when we didn't have any money."

When we sat down to eat, we bowed our heads to pray. Zadie prayed for the people who had their money stolen by the robbers at Target. We asked God to bless the food and the people who had given it to us. We ate that gift of a pizza with full hearts.

 I am still not sure why my card was declined today or if I was even a victim of the Target credit card fiasco.  All in know is that I was hungry, and kind people chose to love me and give me food. My heart is bigger today, and I will be keeping my eyes open for my next chance to pay it forward. :0)

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Make Me New

Renew my mind that's sick and small. 
Refresh my heart that's sad and dry. 
Lift my heavy eyes today. 
Make me new. Make me new. 
Return the color to my world. 
Strengthen weary hands and arms. 
Lift this weight off of my soul. 
Give me grace for my shortcomings. 
Help me grow and overcome. 
Make an ending to my mourning. 
Comfort pain that aches for home. 
Bring me hope that carries burdens. 
Give me joy that clears my skies. 
May patience pave my paths with peace. 
Give me faith to breathe and stay. 
I am crumpled, small, and tired. 
I am lying in your hand. 
Smooth me out and make me lovely. 
Write a story on my face. 
May all who see me know your goodness;
All who hear me feel your love. 
This day is yours to recreate me. 
Here I am. Come; make me new. 

Sunday, August 4, 2013

We Lie Side By Side

You're curled up in the dark
Breathing soft and slow.
Your warm and quiet presence
Is a mystery even now.

How many years did I sleep alone?
Now I never do.
You chased me down and caught me up.
You made me your bride.

My blanket is heavy and white.
Yours is thin and quilted dark.
We lie side by side,
Two silent pea pods.

What would we ever do with silence?
Your ugly fan keeps it away.
I've grown used to the whirring.
It is part of me, like you.

How many nights have I laid down
Taking you for granted?
Your quiet presence
Chases loneliness away.

Thank you.

My Psalm 63

You, God, are my God.
Earnestly I seek you.
Your hands form a mosaic from my broken pieces.
My whole being longs for you,
Because your voice is louder than my fears.
I have seen you in the darkest, dirtiest, most broken places.
Because your love is better than seeking my own path to happiness,
My heart chooses surrender.
I will praise you as long as I live,
And in your name I will sacrifice all of my own ambitions.
I will be fully satisfied as with Ghiradelli chocolate.
Every part of me will praise you.
When I see beauty triumph over brokenness,
I remember you.
I think of you as I get my hands messy.
Because you are my inspiration,
Beauty flows from my hands and lips.
I cleave to you,
Your loving daughter.

Time for Bed

Time For Bed
By: Joy Ortiz

Day is done
Silent bed
Darkened house
Heavy head

Blanket warm
Pillow deep
Drooping eyes
Time for sleep

Busy week
Hungry day
Mostly work
Bits of play

Circles run
Pages read
Day is done
Time for bed.

Love, Dream, Hope, Trust

Love, Dream, Hope, Trust
By: Joy Ortiz

Lazy, lagging,
Latent, languid,
Long-awaited
Love.

Dismal, doubtful,
Distant, dragging,
Deeply desired
Dream.

Hushed, heart-breaking,
Hampered, hated,
Hard-to-harbor
Hope.

Twisted, tired,
Tentative, torn,
Timid, tiny
Trust.

Because You Came

Because You Came
By: Joy Ortiz

Sleep is pit stop instead of a refuge.
Morning breaks, promising rather than grey.
Work is rewarding though payment is absent.
We become rich giving money away.

Life is redemption.
Grief becomes peace.
Love meets religion.
Faith becomes deeds.

Kindness reaps healing.
Weakness is power.
Hope never falters.
Grace wins the hour.

You shatter and heal us.
You bang up our pride.
You strip and reveal us.
You won't let us hide.

You douse us with wisdom.
You shake us with grace.
You bend us and stretch us.
You show us your face.

Your mercy is painful.
Your goodness cuts deep.
Your justice points fingers.
Your love makes us weep.

Our pride falls in splinters.
Our shame breaks like ice.
Our fear turns to courage.
Our self, sacrifice.

Our lives become worship.
Our breath becomes praise.
Our words become wisdom.
Our deeds become grace.

Our hearts become holy.
Our minds become pure.
Our eyes become windows.
Our ears become doors.

Our arms become shelter.
Our lips become truth.
Our knees become altars.
Our scars become proof.

I Am; I Will

I Am; I Will

Heavy-hearted
Weak and tired
Same old battles
How long, oh Lord?
Seeking freedom
Living pain
Breathing questions
Lying down
Hands are empty
Knees are raw
Voice is gone
Eyes are dry
Wait in silence
Hope for peace
Wade through lies
Search for truth
Reach for love
Cry for mercy
Hold to promise
Tie to faith
Work for future
Wait for growth
Trust for answers
Pray for home
Call for Father
Cling to Friend
Reach for Savior
Walk in light
Don't stop loving
Don't give up
Keep on trying
Follow God

Retro post from Dec. 31, 2011: A Bird In the Hand

My mind has been restless for a few days.  Old uncertainty and fear have been trying to steal my joy, and I have had to make a conscious effort to relax.  I feel like a bird in a cage.  Much of the time I am content to perch and sing, to eat the food and drink the water that is given to me, and to tuck my head under my wing each night as I sleep safely.  Every once in awhile, though, the confines of my cage feel like a trap instead of a haven.  Then I throw myself against the bars, beating my wings in a frenzy, trying to escape it.  All memeory of safety and tranquility are lost  in my desperation to get out.

What makes me afraid?  It is when I glimpse the sky through an open window that my cage feels so small.  When a sweet breeze blows through the room carrying the fragrance of trees and meadows, my heart longs to be free, to explore the wild world, to see what lies beyond the threshold of my master's door.

I came to my master as an egg.  When I was born, my mother and father placed me in his hands.  I grew and perched on his fingers.  I ate seeds from the palm of his hand.  He taught me to sing.  It was from his shoulder that I attempted my first flight, more falling than flying.  He delighted in me, and I thrived under his care.

When I had grown into my feathers, my master presented me with something new.  It was another bird, a male, different from me.  I cocked my head as I inspected him.  He was handsome and young.  His song was sweet.  I hopped onto my master's finger, and the boy followed me.  Together we ate seeds from the master's hand.

I had grown up in captivity.  Though I had seen other birds and even fluttered around my master's house in their company, I had never met one who was the same species as myself.  I was a rare hybrid with strange qualities.  I had inherited my father's showiness and pride, but it was tempered with my mother's faithfulness to the master's voice.  As a result I became a bird who would fly forth in great showy displays, then return to the master's hand.  I thought the boy might be the same kind of bird as me.  I watched him sing and fly with the other birds as I sang my own song.  I met him in the master's hand when we went there to eat seeds and sing for him.  I even tried to teach the boy some of my songs.  He tried them, but he never grew to love them as I did, so I continued to sing alone.  Still we would meet in the master's hand, and there was no other bird whose song sounded as sweet to me as his.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Thoughts on Why I am a Christian

I choose to be Christian after going through a battle with depression and grief over my parents' divorce. I was raised Christian, but I seriously doubted God's existence after my family origin fell apart. I sought truth and answers for a few years as I dealt with my grief and mental illness. Here are some things that made me believe in God again, and I'm not looking for any arguments or to prove a point. Just sharing a bit of my own humble thoughts:

1.) There is good and evil in the world. We feel it, and we recognize it when we see it in ourselves and others. I believe that a higher power must exist as a differentiator between the two, and a guide to human behavior. There is an invisible standard that makes us feel something is right, wrong, good, or bad. I believe that unseen is God. 

2.)  I have witnessed the transformation of broken people. Myself, close friends, family, and others have moved from lives of mental illness, shame, addiction, selfishness, and immaturity to lives of kindness, health, grace, freedom, and maturity. Their eyes have turned from themselves and sought beauty and truth. They learned to love themselves and others unconditionally. They learned self-control. They found peace in incredibly painful circumstances. Over and over, I have experienced and witnessed these things. 

3.). Life is full of pain and unanswerable questions. If we don't learn how to find beauty and purpose in the midst of them, it is easy to be overwhelmed. For me God was a guiding light out of the painful maze through which I was walking. Believing that there is a purpose for the pain I experience helps me to endure it with peace and patience. There are certain kinds of pain that can be numbed or avoided in life, but to keep growing, living where we are, and maturing, we must face our problems and deal with them. This means experiencing pain. Faith in the goodness,  purpose, and promises of God inspires courage to face pain. 

These are just a few reasons for my choice. Again, I am not looking to start a theological argument or bash anyone else's choices. Just sharing my own thoughts. :0)

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Raven; Thief

Raven; Thief

He comes like a raven to steal our hope. 
He circles and hovers,
His eyes filled with greed. 
See how we nestle, so small, in the earth?
Tender and vulnerable
New-planted seeds

Are delicious to ravens. 
He followed us here,
Perching and waiting till
We left your hand.
Scavenger, stealer,
He preys on the weak,
Searching forest and field,
Mountain and sand. 

He chases the sheep herds
And snatches the lambs,
Newborn, from their mothers,
Crying and torn. 
His mouth is a knife
Meant to tear and divide. 
Disdaining their bleating,
He croaks out his scorn. 

He is clever and cunning. 
He mimics your speech. 
His voice croaks damnation
From gore-crusted beak. 
He feasts on the garbage. 
He picks at dead flesh. 
He lives to devour
Both rancid and fresh. 

His hunger is endless.
He's jealous and shrewd. 
He flies the earth over
In search of his food. 
Deceptively graceful,
He glides, loops, and plays,
While hoarding his harvest
From thieving forays. 

Now, here comes the raven 
To steal and devour
The seeds that were planted
That dark, stormy hour
When rain washed the ground
And gave life to the dirt,
When grace pierced our crust
And spilled hope into earth. 

So he circles and greedily 
Starts to compute
Which tender young seedlings
To pluck and uproot. 
Which ones are the tastiest 
Hopes to ingest?
He will save some for later
But first eat the best. 

New life?  Or forgiveness?
Friendship, perhaps. 
Acceptance?  Redemption?
He eyes them askance. 
It's so hard to choose!
They all look delicious. 
Then his eye starts to gleam
With a hunger quite vicious,

For he has spied love 
Peeking up from the dirt. 
There are several varieties. 
Which to pick first?
Self-love is smallest. 
It's barely alive. 
God-love is largest:
Quadruple in size. 

Next is friend-love,
Budding new in this hour,
Like sex-love that's damaged
Yet promises flower. 
These loves are the most precious
Seedlings of all,
For, when grown, they are trees
Standing steadfast and tall.  

The raven dives swiftly
To scoop up his feast,
But before he can reach it,
A cry is released!
What horror!  What anguish!
Oh what is that voice
That seems to transfix him,
Withheld from his choice?

It ruffles his feathers 
And shivers his skin. 
It pierces his eardrums and
Crumples his wings. 
Louder than thunder,
A voice fills the air,
"This is my garden. 
Death-bringer, beware."

Shaken and shattered,
The raven takes flight
To return to the dung-heap
And rest for the night. 
Tomorrow he might chance 
A second foray. 
Then again, there is garbage 
Aplenty today. 

There's a voice that sings over us
Wider than sky,
Taller than mountains, and
Deeper than sea. 
It covers the wilderness,
Desert, and fields. 
It echoes through caverns
And thunders through trees. 

He doesn't forget us
Down here on the earth. 
He nurtures and shelters
The work of his hand. 
His eye is upon us. 
He comes to our aid
When deception would steal
The hope from our land. 

Give thanks to the God 
Who is stronger than death. 
Give thanks to the God 
Who is louder than lies. 
Rest safe in the garden
Well-planted with hope. 
Be still in his presence. 
Grow, bloom, and rise. 

By: Joy Ortiz
Begun at the breakfast table, and finished while hiding in the bathroom at work. 






Remember the Plain

Remember the Plain

I.
I was a barren landscape. 
You covered me with green.  
I was an empty field of dust. 
You planted hope in me. 

Slow-growing trees will outlast years
Of swifter sprouts that fade. 
Your planting  is perfection. 
Every seed was deftly laid. 

You gave me a heart of oak. 
I rise with every year,
Growing, stretching closer to 
The glory of your sphere. 

I reach with limbs and branches,
Bathed by sun and rain. 
A shelter and a home, I stand 
In beauty and in strength. 

A lonely field became a grove. 
A storm-swept plain stands green. 
From dust sprang tender shoots of hope,
Then saplings grew with faith. 

Now, love stands strong and bears much fruit. 
Beneath me lies the field. 
My roots will ever hold it fast,
No longer dead, but healed. 

Part of me; not who I am,
The past was fertile earth. 
Time and faith transformed me
Into green and growing berth. 

II.
Look at the birds 
who sing in my branches. 
Hear how the wind 
rustles my leaves. 

See how the deer 
lie down in my shadows. 
Touch verdant mosses 
that fur my rough bark. 

Smell pine needles rotting. 
See spiders spin lace. 
 Find bluebells and berries. 
Watch ants on parade. 

My being swells with life. 
My heart beats with creation. 
I am a forest, 
Raised by your hand. 

III.
You saw me and changed me. 
I'm not who I was. 
You claimed and remade me. 
You brought me to life. 

I was dry, flat, and empty. 
You sowed me with seeds. 
You saw I was thirsty. 
Your rain washed me clean. 

I sing with the birdsong,
I run with the deer. 
I fly with the insects. 
I sleep with the bears. 

I'm sweet with wild berries. 
I'm spicy with ferns. 
I'm fresh with the dew. 
I'm wild with the wind. 

I am your forest, 
And you are my God. 
I'm filled with your goodness. 
I burst with your love. 

I grow in your kindness. 
I'm rooted in faith. 
I'm lush with your mercy. 
I'm blooming with grace. 

IV.
Let all of creation see and take hope. 
Though you're lonely and barren,
Life still can grow. 

A God who is faithful
Sees you and knows
Your dust is a garden
Where Eden can grow. 

His spirit brings promise. 
His love can transform. 
His hand sows redemption. 
His grace is a storm. 

He bathes us in mercy. 
He stirs us with pain. 
He heals us with sunshine. 
He cleans us with rain. 

Our lives are a field. 
Our hearts are the earth. 
Salvation plants seeds there.
Faith gives them birth. 

Hope keeps us growing. 
Love makes us strong. 
Joy buds and blossoms. 
Our sap runs with song. 

He sees us, delighted. 
He walks in our shade. 
We are his dwelling,
The forest he made. 

V.
Praise to the sower
Of everything good!
Praise to the grower
Of peace-hearted wood!

Give thanks for the beauty. 
Remember the plain. 
Delight in the sunshine. 
Find strength in the rain. 

Grow, bloom, and prosper. 
Give shelter and shade. 
Stand tall, green, and growing. 
Keep roots deep in faith. 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Knowing and Known

Knowing and Known

Night falls on our circle of secrets. 
We stir with the wind
That sweeps us;
Teases out our stories. 
Word by word
We shed our skins.
Monsters?  No. 
Sisters and brother,
Candlelit, laughing, weeping,
Shouting truth louder than thunder;
Safe and honest
In our shelter from the rain. 
You live in our silence. 
We are prophets and priests. 
Our pasts crisscross
Again. Again. And yet again.
We walk backwards and see our sisters.
Our brother leads us with pain held high. 
We know where he's been,
And he is beautiful. 
Our scars revealed,
Washed by rain,
Bound by secrets,
Lit by truth,
We study the threads that connect us.
Indisputable proof. 
We are not alone. 
Siblings in secrets,
Stormed by redemption,
Washed by acceptance,
We depart, knowing and known,
And we are blessed. 

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Child of the Riven Oak

Child of the Riven Oak
By: Joylyn Ortiz

Acorn flung from split-heart tree, you
Burrowed in the humble ground,
Sorrow-watered, winter-covered,
Lonely, till at length you found
Spring dawn bright with wind and warmth.
It stirred your heart and burst your shell.
Green and brave you ventured forth,
Emerged from seed to reach and swell.
The light! The air! The sky above!
You saw and tasted day afresh.
Each new morning made you grow;
A leaf furled, tiny, veined in red.
You looked upon your parents' stump
And mourned the loss of shattered oak.
The limbs and twigs that gave you birth
No more stood tall or green with growth.
But roots lie, still, beneath the ground.
Their stump is virile yet, it seems.
With each new year, fresh shoots may grow.
New life, redemption, hope, and dreams.
Small tree, grow tall and reach toward sky.
Upward, leaves and tender shoots!
Taste the dew and greet the dawn as
Sorrow rains and feeds your roots.
You're not the same as when you fell.
Time transfigures and redeems.
Parent tree, no longer tall,
Left room for light to reach your leaves.
You couldn't prosper in the shade
Of riven tree so tall and broad,
So mercy brought it to the ground
And gave you room to reach for God.
Seasons change and forests fall.
Death gives way to wonders new.
Beauty lies within it all,
And hope lies here, in you.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

As June Draws Near

June is swiftly approaching, and my mind is turning to our house. We had agreed that we would put the house on the market in June. We have not done any work on the house yet this spring, due to busyness or lack of focus (probably both). As June draws near and I think about my goals, duties, present, and future, I feel the immense bulk of the things in my life that I cannot control. There are not enough hours in my day to accomplish all of the work I want to get done. I can only give so much of my time to ambitious projects if I want to spend any quality time with my family every day, and I also cannot sacrifice rest or day-to-day responsibilities. I can only do so much.

With these limitations in mind, I frequently pray for God's will in my life. I know the desires of my heart, and I see the obstacles between where I am and where I want to be. Greater than any of these things, however, is my desire to life the life God intends for me: to do his work; to love the people he has placed in my life; to be a good steward of all he has given me; to live a life of love, peace, generosity, kindness, beauty, and fruitfulness. When I think about these greater goals, my own ambitions don't seem so important. As June draws near, I rest in my Father's hand, content.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Two Months Vegan

It has been about two months since I started a mostly vegan diet. My husband and daughter are not doing it with me, and I am not a strict purist with my own diet. I still choose to not eat meat, and I choose to cook and bake vegan foods at home. If I am a guest or someone brings food to my house, I try to graciously eat what is provided, except for meat. I try to follow my heart and spend my money on products that do not exploit animals, but I also try to respect other people's lifestyle choices and keep an open mind. I do not want to be a burden to my friends and family, but I also do not want to turn a blind eye to the multitude of animals who suffer and die for human consumption. I feel that it is my duty to respect, cherish, and protect the lives of animals whenever I can.

I have not yet discovered a strong need for animal products in my diet. I try to avoid soy (I treat it like junk food), and I use nut-based dairy substitutes for most things. My weight hasn't changed much. I am still within the healthy weight range for my height. I have noticed more blemishes on my face, but that is the only physical difference that has manifested since I made the switch to vegan. My energy level and mood are about the same.

I have really been enjoying all of the new recipes I have been trying. Cooking for a vegan lifestyle has been exciting and challenging for me. I eat less processed foods and cook from scratch more. I also incorporate more fresh fruits and veggies into my diet. Most things I cook have been hits with my family and friends, too. I even fool some of them...they can't believe I can make vegan food that tastes so much like "real" food!

Sometimes it is lonely being a vegan. Food goes hand in hand with social gatherings, and most people consider meat to be an essential part of any meal. It can be scary to be different, and it can hurt to be judged by people I care about. At the end of the day, though, it is worth it to me, because I feel pride in being true to what I believe is right. I am following my heart, and even though it isn't easy, and I'm not always sure that I am right, I know that I am doing my best. I will keep my eyes, mind, and heart open, and see where this thing goes.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Husband Made of Wood

He is the lattice upon which I grow.
I climb him and reach for the sun.
His lines give direction to my wandering tendrils.
He is stable and strong.
I am rooted in earth, but he directs me skyward.
He confines and defines me.
I might trail along the ground,
Wandering and wayward,
Fickle and free without him, but
He lifts me from the dust
To something higher,
To a place I would never reach alone.
He shapes and guides me.
I cling to him and climb toward the skies.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Walk On, Daughter

Walk On, Daughter

My enemy knows me.
Moments of weakness leave me wide open and raw.
He takes his shot.
Again. Again. Again.
Fisting into barely-healed scars,
He circles.
Predatory.
Insidious.
He knows he can't take anything away,
So he slyly badgers me instead,
Trying to trick me into throwing my gifts away;
Trading love for passion,
security for possibility,
And trust for control.
He sees my shaky hands,
And the lies begin their familiar flow,
Washing over me,
Bathing me in clinging, oily doubt.
Maybe I made the wrong decisions.
Maybe I am trapped.
Maybe I need to run away.
Maybe I've been fooling myself all along.
Maybe everything I've ever believed is wrong.
Maybe I'm missing out on the great life I could have if only I was brave enough to leave the one I possess.
Lies. Lies.
But lies frequently spoken can wear down a mountain of faith.
Where can I go for safety and rest?
I flee to a waiting Father.
His voice speaks truth louder than my fears.
He leads me past memorials of faithfulness rewarded.
He exposes the lies.
Shadows retreat from him.
He laughs at my enemy, who has wet himself and fled.
He puts a great arm around me, tender and strong.
"Walk on, daughter. I am enough."
He is.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Waken and Rise

Waken and Rise

Spring winds sweep in
Bringing sunshine and a scattering of seeds.
The earth softens and warms,
Waking the sleepers and coaxing stems into the light.
We stir. We stretch.
We begin to...
Vibrant and green, we break through the crumbled earth.
We fell, and we died, but
We are rising.
We are alive with promise and all the fertile joy of springtime.
Winter recedes into faint memory
As the warmth and sweetness of soil and sun
Erase its traces,
Covering them with a blanket of green. Rejoice, oh seeds and bulbs!
You died, but a new season comes.
We waken and rise.
Spring is here!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

A Prayer for the Brokenhearted and Depressed

A prayer for the brokenhearted and depressed

Have mercy on the brokenhearted, oh God.
To those wandering in the dark maze of depression,
Shine a guiding light to safety.
Silence the lies that fill their minds, and Replace them with words of truth and love.
Break down their idols of ambition and perfection.
Lift their eyes to you.
Deliver them from blindness.
Heal their brokenness.
Forgive them for their sins, and
Give them grace to forgive themselves. Raise them up from the clutches of death. Show them the promise of new life in you. Give them courage to face the pain of life. Enable them to see beauty in the midst of brokenness.
Surround them with voices of love and truth.
Do not leave them alone.
Have mercy on your children, oh God. Save them with your mighty hand.
Shelter and sustain them in your love. May they be reborn in you.
May they rise up in your strength.
May they love with your love.
May they live in humility, laying down their dreams and ambitions before your goodness.
Make them new, oh God.
Come and save your children.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Pain the Earth

Pain the Earth

Pain the earth;
Hope the seeds;
Death the winter;
Sorrow; grief.

Snow the searching;
Ice the hate;
Sleet the trudging,
Lonely wait.

Rain the wisdom;
Love the sun;
Faith the sprouting;
Winter: done.

Joy the growing;
Peace the shoots;
Goodness budding;
Courage: roots.

Change the seasons;
Life the field;
God the grower;
We the yield.

Grace the flowers;
Mercy: fruit;
Love the harvest;
All things: new.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Day is Done

Day is done
Silent bed
Darkened house
Heavy head
Blanket warm
Pillow deep
Drooping eyes
Time for sleep
Busy week
Hungry day
Mostly work
Bits of play
Circles run
Pages read
Day is done
Time for bed.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Thank You, Husband

Thank You, Husband

You're curled up in the dark
Breathing soft and slow.
Your warm and quiet presence
Is a mystery even now.
How many years did I sleep alone?
Now I never do.
You chased me down and caught me up. You made me your bride.
My blanket is heavy and white.
Yours is thin and quilted dark.
We lie side by side,
Two silent pea pods.
What would we ever do with silence?
Your ugly fan keeps it away.
I've grown used to the whirring.
It is part of me, like you.
How many nights have I laid down
Taking you for granted?
Your quiet presence
Chases loneliness away.
Thank you.

Fickle Heart

Fickle Heart

Oh fickle, unknowable heart,
How long have I lived with you,
Yet a stranger you are.
Yes, stranger and stranger
With depths and twisted chasms.
Puzzle maze chambers
Lead me, a wanderer,
Through the mystery
Of your aching inconsistency.
You rise and fall
Lurching, unsteady,
Dropping me from
Feet to knees to face
As I seek to know you.
Baffling heart
Puzzle pathway
Leading me from
Childhood to maturity.
With uncertain steps,
I journey on.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Peeing in the Rain

At 2:19am I heard one of my dogs whine. Normally this sound would send me into an instant grumpy funk. "Why didn't you go outside before bed, you stupid dog? Why did you drink all of that water right before I put you in your crate for the night?"

I would mutter at them with lowered brows as I shuffled through my house in the dark. Shivering and huddled by the back door, I would watch for the errant, stupid dogs to run around the back of the house, do their business, then get back inside, so I could return to my warm bed.

Today was different.

When I heard a dog whine at 2:19 am today, my heart was glad. Why? Because it was raining outside.

My dogs were both adopted strays. One of the biggest challenges we faced in welcoming them into our family was training them to go potty outside. In the beginning they had absolutely no grasp of this concept. They ruined all of my carpets, and I despaired. Every day brought multiple new accidents, and my husband and I struggled to teach our two adult mutts that it isn't okay to pee in the house.

Our black miniature pincher mix, Olive, caught on first. She was eager to please and sensitive to scolding, so it wasn't too hard to teach her that she shouldn't go potty in the house. Putting the dogs in a crate at night prevented most of the problem, because they wouldn't pee in their own bed. They learned that it was possible to wait until we let them out. Crate training finished off Olive's education, and she rarely had accidents in the house anymore.

Ziggy was much more difficult. His laid-back personality made scolding roll off of him like water off of a duck. He was indifferent to treats and praise, and he would stand at the back door and look up at us from outside the glass with a questioning gaze.

"Why did you make me come out here? I won't have to pee for another 10 minutes, and it's much nicer inside. Let me back in, please." Again, I despaired.

We discovered by accident that Ziggy will always go pee outside if you put him on a leash and take him for a walk. He gets so excited about the new smells and bushes that he does his business naturally. We began taking him for short walks to go potty, praising him every time he anointed a bush or telephone pole, and he slowly started to make the connection. Soon he would let us know that he had to go potty and wanted to go outside. Progress.

Unless it was raining.

If it was raining, Ziggy refused to leave the door. He would ask to go out, realize it was raining, then turn right back around and scratch to come back inside. Being rained on made him so miserable that he refused to walk out into the yard, smell anything, or do his business.

I grabbed an umbrella, put his leash on, and took him down the block. Sure enough, he found a telephone pole and peed. Success, but imperfect. I wanted him to figure out that he could walk out the door into our yard, find a place, and pee, even if it was raining.

The next time it rained, I stood outside the door with him. "You can do it!" I cried. "See? It's raining on me, too. We're fine. Just go pee!" His pitiful face looked up into mine as he scratched on the door.

"Please, Mom. This is awful. Can we please just go back inside?"

"No! You can do it! Let's go find a bush."

I picked him up and carried him into the yard, set him down, and it worked! He smelled the bush and obediently lifted his leg. "Good boy! Let's go in!" We ran through the rain together, triumphant.

This became our routine every time it rained. Pleading, scratching at the door, he would wallow in misery until I picked him up and carried him to a place where he felt comfortable enough to achieve success. We would face the rain together. When he overcame his misery, I would cheer for him, rub his smelly wet-dog ears, and tell him what a good boy he was.

Finally, after many trips back and forth to the door to beg to come in out of the rain, Ziggy ran into the yard by himself. I followed him and peeked around the corner of the house, and sure enough, he was doing his business. "Good boy!" I cried. "Such a good, good boy!" He met my eyes, and I was so joyful and proud in that moment. Finally he had overcome his hatred of the rain and learned to go potty outside by himself.

So when the dogs whined and woke me up to go out this morning, I was joyful. This moment was the fruit of patience, frustration, persistence, and love. It was success after despair. As I shivered and watched my dogs peeing in the rain, I was overwhelmed with pride. When they were done and came back inside, I wiped their muddy feet, gave them treats, and put them back to bed.

"Good dogs! Good, good dogs."

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Morning prayer after a night of dreams

God who made me,
Who placed in me this mind and heart, Purify and refine me.
Fill me with love, courage, and kindness. Be my all.
Still my grasping hands.
Quiet my clamoring brain.
May I rest in your provision.
May I delight in your many gifts.
May my life reflect beauty and serenity. May my actions mirror your heart.
Teach me to love as you love.
Heal my brokenness.
Help me to stand upright, unashamed. Thank you for my life.
I love you.
<3

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Parenting: a reflection of the Father's heart

Parenting is one of the things that really makes me understand the heart of God.

Our Father creates us and loves us from the moment of our conception. We are born into a world of choices. He provides us with everything we need to succeed, but he also gives us free will. He watches, loving us with Father-love, as we live our own lives.

Does his heart leap with joy like mine does when my daughter wraps her arms around me and says, "I love you, Mama,"?

Does his pulse race; does he break into sweat when He watches me fall, knowing how much I might be hurt?

Is it as hard for him as it is for me to watch his child willfully disobey the rules meant to keep her safe?

Does his heart break when I cry?

Is holding me one of the greatest feelings he has ever experienced?

I think God allows us to be parents so we can know, from first hand experience, what it means to deeply love and nurture a free-will person the way he does each of us. Our pain and joy as parents directly reflect the heart of our Father. What a beautiful, difficult, overwhelming gift it is to be a parent!