1 Month, 6 Days: Face to Face

Sitting in my green, tufted armchair in a silent house is a rare treat for a Thursday early-afternoon. I am normally working at the dental lab this time of day, frantically trying to finish up the work for the Friday morning route. I'd much rather be here than there, and I am grateful for this rare moment when I can truly relax and bask in the peace of my home.

I took the day off work to spend some quality time with my mother-in-law, who has been visiting us from Mexico. Being around her is always enjoyable. She is a wonderful listener, filled with quiet wisdom, thought-provoking questions, and a deep love for God and people.

We spent the morning talking while we swung on the porch swing in my yard. Watching my daughter Zadie play, we talked about family and life, church and faith, Mexico and Ottawa. I learned more about Brandon and his family history. I listened to Teresa's heart for her church and community in Mexico. Beneath the shade of the mystery tree growing in the middle of my yard, conversation soaked into me like rain on parched earth.

When I work at the dental lab, I spend most of the day in my own company. I usually wear headphones and listen to music or audiobooks during the 8+ hours of my shift. Sometimes I can spend most of my waking hours in a day or week in relative solitude, since by the time I get done with work each day, I am usually too tired and drained to make much of a social effort.

Today reminded me that there is beauty in simple conversation. Two people, face to face, with genuine interest in each other's lives, feed and rejuvenate each other as they invest their time in conversation. When we break from our daily ruts of superficial encounters and electronic relationships, we find quiet peace in the simplicity of time spent face to face.

Today I am grateful for my mother-in-law and the beauty of this fall day. God is good, and so is life. :0)

One Month Old

Hello, friends. I have been receiving weekly e-mail devotionals from one of my dear friends who is walking her own path to freedom from depression and despair. This blog update is an almost word-for-word copy if the e-mail I sent her on the one month anniversary of my salvation.

It helps to be reminded of the truth of God, especially when I feel weak. It is easy for me to remember those things when everything is going well, but when I am falling apart and afraid, I need them the most. It has been a month today since I was born again, and I am happy that I made that decision. I have experienced joy and freedom in the past month that surpasses anything I have known in years. However, the past few days have been hard. My old fear, especially fear about being married, has resurfaced and tested my faith. Last night I felt crazy and trapped, and I struggled with suicidal thoughts again. This makes me so sad because I thought i was free of that fear and despair. I thought I would never want to die again when I have God to live for. But sometimes the fear and anxiety still feels so heavy that it makes me think that I am just fooling myself in believing that God can free me.

When I am in the middle of it, it seems nearly impossible to go on. I feel like I am hanging on by my fingernails. I think the scariest part is feeling like I have lost control of my own mind, and I cannot trust myself not to do something stupid and dangerous. Can I trust God to keep me from going to a place I cannot come back from? Will he save me every time, or will one time be too much, and I will not be strong enough to do what must be done? This terrifies me. Is he strong enough to reach into my life and preserve it when my mind is that weak? Is he bigger than my fears? Is he stronger than my panic? Is his love great enough to cover my deficiency and pour love through me when I have none to give? Will he really save me every time?

I know that I am not strong enough to save myself. All I have left in life is to trust that God will indeed do what he has promised. No matter how hard I try, I am me, and I cannot lift myself out of this mire with my own hands. So I will trust. I will pray, and praise, and cry out. I will choose to stand firm when I want to run. When I cannot stand anymore, I will be on my knees, praying for help. When I cannot kneel, I will fall on my face and cry out. If he does not deliver me, then I will just lay there until he decides to, even if it means that is where I die. What else is there for me to do but trust? I cannot save myself.

I would greatly appreciate your prayers. I know that you fight your own battles with depression and anxiety, so you understand how hard it is to keep fighting sometimes. Please walk with me through this. I believe God has given you to me for my friends because you understand, and I can be completely honest, knowing you will not judge me. I want to live, and I want to be free. I choose to trust God and believe that he is strong enough to save me, even in my darkest hour.

Thank you for loving me and investing in my life. I value your friendship more than I can express. <3>

It is difficult to share the depth of my struggle in such a public medium. However, I believe that God is leading me on a journey of healing and transformation. I believe that he is using my brokenness to create beauty. I want to share what he is doing in me, even though some of it is messy, ugly, and embarrassing. My words and my life are his to use, and even though it is hard for me to let you see me so broken and vulnerable, I know God is using my journey for his glory. I want to be real with you. I want you to see what he is making me. I am one month old and growing.